i hate nights,
where thoughts refuse to leave you alone.
squeezing every ounce left of you.
a wreck,you say.
i can't agree more than this.
the aftermath of her tears.
that word no longer exist in my dictionary.
drained of all emotions.
i could almost see myself functioning best as a robot.

define compassion for me.
accomplish whatever that we envisioned
feels like a chase after the wind after awhile.
it is
futile.
temporal relive birngs no beneifts.
it is equivalent to hangovers.
you are left feeling worse.
wanting to escape from that disease,
that ugliness.
gravity that doesn't exist.
nothing pulls you down but that distorted world.
the twisted lies.warped perceptions.

a glimpse of my horrid drunkard state.hehe.
you think of chilli crab when you observe how red and ugly my body turned hehe

i want your horror.i want your design.cause you're a criminal as long as you're mine.
i want your love.
i want your psycho.your vertigo stick.want you in my rear window.
you and me could write a bad romance.

intoxicated with success breeds an unforgiving society.

i dont feel emotions i'm obliged to.
i dont experience exhilaration when i'm supposed to.
i only understand the mere feeling of numbness.
hehehe.tell me about it.
you know who can crush me.
the rest,they seem to just fade into the background.that background.
ha ha ha is that particular thought already hitting upon you,
the sudden realization,
or the preconceived notion you've held all along,
and awaiting for this moment where i've proven you right?
i know.save that explanation.
i dont owe you one either.
go ahead.let your imagination run wild.
i like it when you do that.it's fun watching you running in circles,
chasing your own tail,only to bite what was actually your flesh.hehe.

i know i'm screwing up my life.
i have no idea what am i doing as well.
oh,cheap thrills.
i know.i know.i know.i know.i know.
i know what's on all of your minds.
i fucking wished you were there.
screw hormones.screw puberty.screw those sugar coated lies with lips so deceiving.
i dont even know if all these changes are for the better.
ha ha ha.wait.my thoughts dont even correlate now with my fucked up state of drunkard mind.
hehehe dont mess with a drunkard.

rehearse them to me once more.
i'm halfway there.
another half a mile and
i will reach that vast wasteland of gathered torn up emotionless humans.
we were made with instincts.
i was an exception,was i?
or maybe i was just a fool.
i'm okay.i'll survive.
baby,save these for the next.

if sleeping is not the answer to the exhaustion that they're experiencing,i dont know what else is.enlighten me.maybe,just maybe,it simply means it's time to let go which is ever so difficult.or it's the heart ruling over the mind again,against all odds,trying to fight and resist consciousness and logic and choose to lean on something so fragile with no concrete basis to stand on.but determined to prove the impossible possibilities right,and laughing at our own folly again when the night dawns on us once more.
anyway happy birthday dear kenny boyy. <3 hehehe
and tmr shall be the day that marks my freedom. ((:

everyone is dead to someone,something,somewhere.
that aside,feeling happier todayy ((:
did filming for my friend's project.well though it was rather uncomfortable during some 'intimate' scenes.
i can't don't want [to] look into a person's eyes,in fear of giving myself away.
then again,it comes back to the point of taking on a character in whom you're given the valid excuse to be the someone you're not from mondays to fridays.
the year is ending.the year is ending.oh my gawdd.i can't believe it.
everything seems to happened too quickly this year.
so many events occurred in such a short span of time.heyy,remind me again,what date is it today.
refresh my memory.the painful and joyful ones.even though the latter seemed like my fingers are enough to name them all.
all that aside,and pardoning my disorientation,parents are flying overseas! <3
someone come and stay overnight with me everyday along with macs and rented dvds pleaseee!much appreciated.
in case you haven't already know,i hate home alone.hehehe.
and it's fucking clubbing time!! yes,in moderation ((:

xoxo,
me. <3

untangle the mess,slowly,carefully pull out the playing tape.retrieve that old memory.
the first time,it's beautiful.
the second time,it gets dull.
the third time,it gets predictable.
the fourth,you wished u could throw it out.
you asked me why i drink.
it's the only coping mechanism that i seem to find the strength to do right now.
you asked me how's the aftermath like,
i told you,you wouldn't feel a thing.
after all,it's alluring.
screw promises.
pushing people away is the new black.

you brush right past,
before the whisper of your name fell off my mouth.
you left me breathless.speechless.
drained of all emotions.
the world spun on its axis,people rushing past,
while all i can see was the colours slowly fading to grey,
leaving blurred images with that lone figure of yours in the crowd.
you stood tall,
yet part of me will never make out that familiar outline of you like before.
i heard it was pointless.
now,
i know it is pointless.
i'm tired of holding on even for myself.
there's nothing much left to fight for.
wish i could erase this piece of ugly flab away.
what the hell happen to be a model.
what in the world am i left with to face the world.
how the hell am i supposed to do that shooting next week.
give me a concrete reason to hold on to.

you think it's for my own good.but you have no idea how much this hurts.watching you do what you do.was it really that painful speaking to me?or even glancing my way?i hate feeling.and i dont want to.i think i'm half way there.i pray i am.frolick interview tomorrow.it will be a miracle if i do get in.ha ha ha.
and truth to be told,it's tough walking the path where we once shared silly memories together,replaying those vivid fluttering images in my mind's eye.but i shall do this.and soon,before you know it,i will be over you.over every single memory.and the only reflex action that accompanies the sound of your name,or the thought of you would be to shudder with disgust.

the memory that seems to carry that all too familiar tune have faded away,along with your very soul.give up the rescue team,they have lost themselves while searching.searching in the midst of nothingness.this too,will soon melt away.what then is left at the end,will be just that dead corpse.i fed on all the pretty lies,intrigued by the beautiful masks and the gentle whispers that was all to relieve your pitiful ass,getting your quick fix and leaving for the next.
when senses finally kick in,waking the dreamer.she finally sees beyond all these.where you could simply escape,put your heart out of its silly misery and step out,into that lighted doorway and the hanging exit sign.oh please,you do not conceal your tracks of lies well. (:
i will not break the promise,for my own sake.hahaha.trying too hard to sound intellectual.anyway,i made a pact with myself.once i'm over,after all the statements of disbelief i'm going to force down my throat and shaking myself awake in the cold shower,i will take a breather and be back here.till then,you will not hear from me.haha but,if you do baby...slit my throat.
i'm going to be a nerd this semester.

romance movies are just lies we hopelessly wished and visualized our silly selves to be in and taking on the roles of the damsel one day.oh everybody know this is part,of breaking down in anybody's arms.

take it all off.you see a monster.
instant death.guaranteed.
screw all options.why do things have to tumble down time and again all in one sitting.
are you answering my prayer?taking my breath away?
i give you all.cause i dont appreciated it anymore.
i weighing all down.drowning in the sea of misery together.no.cut all strings.
let them go.
where were you when i so desperately needed you?
i promised.but you,you left.

every night she cries and dies a little more each time.
she wishes time will ease her pain.

i used to criticize the smokers.
i used to despise the alcoholics.
i used to condemn the clubbers.
but now,
now i know why they do what they do.
dont worry for me my dear,i'll be back before you know.
i promise.

meet marshmallow.
decided to get a hamster to keep me company.
meet BlackBerry Storm.
decided to get a new phone to entertain myself.ha ha ha.
yes,i'm lying about this.i would kill myself if i get to lay my hands on it right now!
work tomorrow,congratulate me.something productive at last.

this crushed me once again. ( the remains. )
funny how things turned out.you and i.
did you planned it from the start?
this is when you truly left me numbed.sinking deeper than i  already am.
this is what you have forgot.the friendship we were supposed to hold close to.
and this is why we ended up the way we did,maybe simply because i ain't good enough.
which is why you two have the same parting words for me.
incoherent as i am,at least i dont feel it anymore.

i need to start working.i need to.i fucking need to.if not i will go crazy thinking of you people with the stupid scripts with no better excuse.i'm not a fucking toy.not a product.